I’ve seen this post on Facebook at least a half a dozen times and it makes my stomach turn each time I read it. I’ll be glad when this way of thinking is a thing of the past.
“My promise to my kids ~ I am not your friend.. I am your parent. I will stalk you, flip out on you, lecture you, drive you insane, be your worst nightmare & hunt you down like a bloodhound when needed because I LOVE YOU! When you understand that, I will know you are a responsible adult. You will NEVER… find someone who loves, cares & worries about you more than I do! Re-post if you are a parent and agree.”
I decided that I would write my own promise in a sort of rebuttal to this one. If you agree with my promise, feel free to pass it on to your kids!
My promise to my kids – I am not only your friend, I am your Mentor, Leader, and Guide. I will always work hard to keep our relationship strong. I hope that you will always trust and respect me, but I know these are qualities that must work both ways. I hope you will forgive me when I flip out on you, as I believe this is unacceptable behavior, but I am human and may give in to my primitive brain sometimes. I will give you unsolicited advice and work with you to correct any behavior I feel needs correcting, but ultimately it is your life and your decision. I hope you trust that I am always working in your best interest and my goal is for you to become a responsible, happy, and successful adult. I will have faith in my ability to teach you how to make wise decisions so that I don’t have to stalk you. I trust our communication will be open and honest. If you ever need me, I will be there and I hope you will never be afraid to ask me for help. I will always have your back and support you no matter what, because I LOVE YOU and I already know you are amazing! Re-Post if you are a parent that does things a little differently…
Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Naomi Davidson
Beautiful.
(My mother-in-law just posted the original on her Facebook status. Unbelievable, and certainly not a healthy relationship to have with her *adult* children – there are indeed boundary issues.)
Exactly! If it were any other relationship besides the one with our kids, we would all agree that it’s unacceptable.
I love this. I can’t stand it when parents think that way, they only make us hate them for it. =).
I totally agree with what you wrote and hope that you dont mind that I stole it for my facebook page, lol. I agree with Naomi in that the original post is an healthy way to treat anyone. You summed up what I was thinking perfectly and wrote it eloquently. From one parent to another, thank you
Thank you!
The original “Mad Mom Rant” is all about an over-possessive parent overextending control over their child. It excuses reprehensible parental behaviour and is not the way to nurture a self reliant and respectful adult. It asserts a way of disabling the child’s independence so that the parent can continue to exert control over them by preventing the child from growing up. Thank you for your compassionate and intelligent response.
WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
I feel sorry for your children…
Thank you for all of your supporting comments, John! I have been away due to work, pregnancy, moving, life! but have a new blog post brewing in my mind. Thank you for reading!
You must have small children. I would hate to think you’d parent like that with older kids.
I do have small children, but this post mostly applies to my 4 older children who are all now happy and successful adults. They have the confidence to make their own decisions and don’t run home to Mom and Dad at the first sign of failure. I can’t help but believe that parenting this way had a bit of influence on that… amazing what a bit of trust, respect, and encouragement will do.
I’m an older mom who has raised 4 teenagers into happy, productive adults who are (now) my very, very best friends, and I’m actually perfectly fine with the original post. I believe it to be quite accurate, not because I identify with those horrible phrases, but because I hear echoes of my children’s voices at the time.
Teenagers tend to object to normal, necessary, and kind parental interaction if it involves basic things like needing to know where they’re going, who they’re with, what they’ll be doing, when they’ll be home, and how they’ll get from A to B, for example. Insisting on knowing these things is not parental abuse–let us be very clear on that–but teens with a teensy bit of rebellion going will often call you a “stalker” and tell you you’re “flipping out” and “driving [them] insane”, that you are their “worst nightmare” and you’re “hunting [them] down like a bloodhound,” etc. These are THEIR words, not a parent’s words, and perhaps they should be in quotes in the original to make that clear.
When you read the original text in this light it’s really very accurate, and speaks to responsible parents who have raised and are raising tough teenagers. The thing is, three to five years later these same young people are alive, perhaps in part because of your vigilance, and they begin to mature into beautiful people with whom you can enjoy the rest of your years.
It’s okay to have a rough patch if you come out of it intact, and whether you’re ready for it or not, you’ll likely be handed a rough patch that challenges all of your rosy plans, and you’ll have to be stronger than you ever thought. You might get called names by the babies you’ve nurtured with nothing but love for the first 13 years; they might sneak out the window at night and come back with alcohol on their breath in the hands of a police officer; they might fall off of the honor roll; they might get involved with others who introduce really bad things to them; they might “fall in love” with a young abuser-in-training; they might cost you thousands and thousands of dollars in legal fines, and treatment plans, and counseling sessions;they might wreck your car; they might steal your money; they might betray you in ways you cannot imagine. But they’re still your precious kids, and you love them. You might find yourself realizing that being a supportive friend who allows them freedom and space to figure things out in a nurturing environment is great in theory, but may not be effective enough for the immediate situation. You might find yourself wading right into the thick of a nasty situation and taking charge just to rescue the child you love from very real danger. And you might be called overpossessive or a control freak of some kind by others with the luxury of being bystanders, but you will have saved your precious child because you love him or her. If that child is afforded the luxury of growing up and maturing into your best adult friend because of your actions at that time, then it was worth the heartache and the cost and the risk of being called a politically incorrect name. You won’t even care about that at that point. When I read the original post, this is what I understand it to be, and I absolutely agree.
I apologize for the rant, and you’re free to ignore me if you don’t like what I have to say–hey, I mastered the art of not being bugged by that by raising my teens!
I simply speak from experience, with what is perhaps a little different perspective than others on this thread. Thanks for reading.
Hi Jill,
Thank you so much for your thoughtful post. It is true when I reread it from that perspective it changes the message quite a bit! I am stepmother to 4 adult children who all came to live with their father and me each in their early teens – those years when they began thinking for themselves. They did complain of the same things growing up that the original post states. And where I may go back and handle some situations differently, I do believe we all came out of it ok.
My complaint is with parents who believe children have to do whatever they tell them to in order to avoid harsh controlling behavior by them. They don’t trust their children can make a wise decision and they may be absolutely right because they’ve never afforded their child the ability to learn how to do that. Children also tend to behave negatively if a parent treats them with disrespect which just exaggerates the issue.
Thank you for your perspective. I totally agree that sometimes as caring parents, who enforce rules in a respectful manner, and are active in their child’s upbringing, can by interpreted as behaving how the original post speaks by their precious children.
Naomi
I think that the original “promise to the kids” is said with tongue in cheek. Having 3 teenage children I can certianly relate to it. I think John’s comments are straight on. The consequences of the teenage actions today are so much stricter then when we were young. These consequences can have life long raminfications.
Thank you so much for this saying. I like it so much better then the other one. I think my kids will like it better also. Thank you